One month ago a friend had to experience the ultimate heartbreak… her infant was a victim of SIDS at just 3 months of age. Since my baby is on her way to being 6 months hearing this news really made me want to hold Arabella a little closer. I actually saw J just 2 days before it happened. We bumped into each other at the store and were sharing photos of our babies… and then this.
I am a firm believer in not telling people how to grieve, however the overwhelming amount of posts about God that appeared on her page really seemed to be sending the wrong message. I am unable to see how telling a grieving mother that her child died because “god has something better planned for you” is going to be beneficial. How arrogant of your God to think this child deserved to die, having barely had a chance to experience the world outside of the womb, simply because he had a change of heart. Then on several occasions she went online late at night pleading for her pain to go away, stating that the hurt felt like it would last forever… friend after friend assured her that God will only give her what he knows she can handle. My response was to offer to talk to her, to listen to what feelings she is experiencing but certainly not to tell her that she should feel anything else.
The most uncomfortable moment came when someone straight out told her “don’t blame God for any of this”. Oh, okay- so it is in his plan, he has something better in store for you and he only did it because he knows you can handle it… BUT IT ISN’T HIS FAULT. Well as an Atheist I agree, it isn’t God’s fault, but as a theist who the heck do they blame once they’ve absolved God of his responsibilities? It angered me, I wanted to call the OP out and say “How dare you contradict yourself and fill our friends mind with lies!” but I did not do that, it would have been inappropriate, so I moved on.
Just a few days ago J announced a new pregnancy. Her page lit up with comments about how wonderful it was. When she said that she was nervous someone replied: ” If God didn’t think yu couldn’t handle this he wouldn’t have blessed yu again.”.
In regards to how she was still hurting from the loss of her daughter another friend said
“God is working in ur life and u will come out of it a strong woman and mother. don’t be scared at all its a beautiful gift from God and your daughter”. J then agreed that it was in fact God’s plan and stated “God is good!”.
I just don’t understand how a believer is able to rationalize these things. As a mother it would not satisfy me to hear that God killed my daughter and replaced her with another baby. It would not comfort me to hear people say that God has SOMETHING BETTER planned. If I was J I would not be thinking that “God is good” I would be thinking that he is an arrogant piece of garbage who has no right deciding that my child wasn’t deserving of a full life. It is a sad reality that people of all ages die every single day and many times without a full explanation. Making up lies to justify this is unhealthy and counterproductive to the healing process. When someone close to me experiences a tragedy I encourage them to let themselves feel. Weather it be anger, sadness, regret… you need to get it out… repressing these emotions in the form of “God’s plan” will only lead to a break down… I have seen it with my own eyes, it is truly heartbreaking. So for now “God is good” but that can only last so long- all I can do is be there with an open, rational mind when reality finally strikes.