hugs, blood and gene mutations…

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A month has passed since we lost our baby. I am still heartbroken and still bleeding. I received test results that show I have an MTHFR gene mutation which likely contributed to the miscarriage, I also received a hospital bill for 1020.93… that’s really about it as far as updates.

I sort of feel like I am drowning. Every day there is something else piling on top of me. Another piece of bad news… something else to try to handle so that I can keep things stable. I barely have any free time right now because I have been trying to work overtime to pay off all of the bills associated with the pregnancy and miscarriage. The only time I get with Arabella during the week is a few hours in the early afternoon when we are getting ready for the 30min ride to my dad’s house so he can watch her while I go to work… then I get home at 11:45pm and that is when I get to tuck her into bed. This is my favorite time of the day. Arabella gives me the biggest smile when I come in the door. She makes the most of those few minutes before bed time, showing me toys and chattering away. Then I hear “love you mama” as I squeeze her tight. Honestly, the hugs she gives me at night before she goes to sleep are truly the reason I wake up the next day.

When I read the test results on the MTHFR gene mutation I cried. It is so terrible to feel like you failed your baby. My rational mind knows that it was nothing I did and that there was no way for me to know about it and that even knowing it is still possible that I could have had a normal pregnancy and all of the other things people are saying. However in my heart, when I sit alone at night in the dark, it feels like it was my fault. I was able to keep Arabella safe for those amazing nine months that she spent in my tummy… why did I fail Lily and Riley? I have been feeling physical pain thinking about it. I get this sharp burning pain up my neck as all of my muscles tense up as I realize I will never again birth a child.

I know that writing all of this will cause me to be flooded with information on how MTHFR is very common and that I can absolutely have a successful pregnancy. I know that physically it is possible, but at this point I cannot take the risk. Emotionally I am strained. The loss of Lily broke my heart, losing Riley broke my spirit… I cannot even imagine what would be left of me with another loss. A lot of people have told me that now is not the time to make the decision to be finished… but the decision has been made. One of my dearest friends told me that “he” (pointing to the sky) will decide when/if I am done… I told her that if “he” can get past the vasectomy we are planning. plus regular birth control, she might make a believer out of me. Until then I am going to stick with science. Clearly the odds are not in my favor to have a healthy pregnancy. There are ways to treat all of the things that are wrong and I believe that moving forward and enjoying all that I do have is going to be the first step in conquering this anxiety and depression that are plaguing me day and night. The bleeding has to stop eventually… right?

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4 thoughts on “hugs, blood and gene mutations…

  1. Have you told your GP that you are still bleeding? At a guess, I would say that can contribute to anemia, which can make you really tired. They will probably put you on some sort of iron pill. If you can process that, (not everyone can) then the tired will be much better. If you get super-pukey when taking iron, try taking it with vitamin C or orange juice.
    A thousand dollar invoice can be whittled down by taking 20$ out of every paycheck. If you and spouse get paid twice a month, (like most wage slaves) By the end of twelve months, you will have 960$. (Although there are those weird times when you get three paydays in a month) So it is one year and and a half month to get to a full thousand. I think that is right. Check my math. Usually it is not a huge deal for people to take a 20 off the top of their check. You probably already thought of this.
    So that is the practical stuff, now on to the important stuff. You are going to feel like shit for awhile. ALL of you will. (Mind, Body) This is the kind of stuff that most people use God for, because having a personal pocket deity that supposedly FELT all that you are feeling now and more, and still died for you, that keeps people plugging along. We don’t get that. We don’t get the Kool-Aid that makes you feel all warm and safe. We are all too aware that God isn’t there for us. This is where being an atheist sucks. Atheists don’t seem to have that Community that wraps around you when bad things happen. On the other hand, you don’t have to fake being o.k. to a whole houseful of church people who are all hyper-alert to your every twitch and expression, either.
    I am sorry about the MTHFR. You beat the odds with Arabella. And I know that everyone of your friends will tell you that you can do it again. And you say that you have decided NOT to ever try it again. And I say- that is o.k. You don’t have to climb right back on the horse, this is not that kind of life challenge. If nature smacks you in the head, sometimes it means that you aren’t meant to have your head there.
    BUT…I know you have friends. Surround yourself with people that love you and keep talking to them and to people online that make you feel better. You have to go (t-h-r-o-u-g-h) it, to get to the other side. You can’t cheat, because the answer is time. Try not to think so much about them, Lily and Riley. You will anyway. But when you feel yourself dwelling on them again and again, try to concentrate on Arabella, instead. You will have to distract yourself, over and over, until eventually it will become second nature.
    You are going to say, “but I don’t want to forget my babies!” You aren’t. You are just asking them for the time to do what you have to do, to keep existing. If they were alive, they would have to give you time, for Arabella, for each other, to work, to sleep. And they would. So, cry for what might have been. And keep telling us about them. Because everyone that knows and loves you, wants you to feel better. This has happened to you. There is no going back. There is no fix. You have to find your new equilibrium. Your new normal. The pain is part of the process, unfortunately. Keep talking, Keep breathing, Keep being. And eventually, the pain will not be all you can feel.

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